It's April, and I haven't posted in ages. I just felt I had nothing to post about. Life with two toddlers and a well-employed husband is rather... routine. Not boring, just like we were on cruise control. Then came January. On the 15th Jay's dad, Jerry had a massive stroke. He died on the 18th, surrounded by his family. Needless to say, this was incredibly difficult. We loved Jerry so much, and really valued him as an integral part of our family. When I think of the things my children will not remember, or will not get to experience with their Papa, my heart almost seizes up. We did enjoy a wonderful memorial service, in which nearly one hundred former students sang their appreciation for Jerry in a mass choir. Family members and friends shared stories, which all testified of Jerry's love for kids in need. He pursued them and gave himself unceasingly to build them up and give them a hope. He boldly proclaimed the gospel to many people and still showed his love for Jesus after his stroke by squeezing hands when His name was mentioned. We are thankful that Jerry is with his Lord, and thankful for the merciful way in which God took him home, but we will miss him terribly. During that week, God blessed us by letting me feel our baby's kicks for the first time. Little did we know that our trials were just starting.
One March 3 I ended up in the hospital, being told our baby would very likely die. I was 22 weeks pregnant and my water had broke. The hospital in Wenatchee did not have the facilities available to care for a micro-preemie, and the hospitals in Seattle and Spokane would not accept a transfer patient until 24 weeks, maybe even 25, because babies younger than that are not considered "viable". The only hope was that I would not go in to labor and that I and the baby would stay free of infection. I stayed in the hospital in Wenatchee for 4 days just waiting. Then Dr. Pitts called Sacred Heart about transfering me. In a miraculous break from regular procedures, the doctor was willing to admit me that very day (23 weeks)! In a whirl of activity I was packed off in an ambulance to Pangborn, flown in a MedStar plane to Felts Field, then driven to Sacred Heart. A Neonatalogist came and completely inundated me with statistics about premature babies. Their lungs are not even close to being fully developed, their brains are at high risk of hemorrhaging, their GI tract can die, their retinas may detach... and on and on. At 23 weeks, our baby (girl, we found out) had only 27% chance of surviving, and only a 9% chance of avoiding those major health issues. But under God's all-powerful kindness, He sustained my pregnancy for 4 more weeks! Hospital bedrest was the hardest thing I have endured. Not that I minded lounging around reading books and knitting, but the constant high alert for symptoms of infection or labor was mentally and emotionally exhausting.
I had two hours of monitoring each day. Hearing the strong regular heart beats was a blessing each day. As my pregnancy progressed and the statistics began to look more favorable the waiting got even harder. If it had been in my hands there were times I would have gladly given birth. But prayer and encouragement from Jay and the doctor's helped me to stay the course. Jay did a great job of balancing work, hospital, and home. The kids and Jay moved in with my parents (and we're still here, for quite a while yet). Jay would head home every few days to work in the office and check on the house. These were the hardest times for me, and it was during one of these trips that I went into labor. She was born 11 hours later at 1:05 pm, Good Friday, April 6th. She weighed only 2 pounds (900 grams) and was 14 inches long.
With my other kids I looked forward to labor, and especially to delivering my baby and seeing him for the first time. But with baby Zoe, I dreaded labor, dreading delivery, dreaded seeing her and hearing whether she was going to live or not. I dreaded the months in the NICU if she did live through birth. There was no rush of joy when I saw her. But God again granted our requests. Zoe lived, and she even breathed and cried a weak kitten mew. She was whisked off into the NICU, and I was left to regain feeling and rest before seeing her. Because of her prematurity, my ruptured water, and group B Strep, I had several different bags dripping down into my IV during labor. Penicillin made my arm burn, Magnesium gave me horrendous hot flashes and severe nausea. Thankfully when the nurse saw that I was actually throwing up, she gave me some anti-nausea medicine and hurried up the epidural. It was several hours after Zoe was born before I was well enough to be wheeled into the NICU. I saw her in the incubator and just started crying. She was so tiny, so red, and surrounded by wires and tubes, with a very long and rough road ahead of her. As I right this, Zoe is a week old. She is off the ventilator and on CPAP. She lost weight for a few days, getting down to 780 grams (1lb 12oz). But the last few days she is holding steady or slightly gaining weight. She has a PICC line (multi-purpose catheter) entering her foot and threaded up to her diaphragm area.
Thankfully, God gave us several days before scary things started to happen. Because she is so young, she has frequent episodes of apnea. She stops breathing, and turns blue as her heart rate plummets. Various alarms start going off, and nurses rush in to save her life. We watched a couple episodes yesterday, and the feeling of helplessness is just awful. If it were not for the promise of God to love us unceasingly, to work all things for our good, and to give us mercy to bear each day's trials, I'm sure I would go insane. But throughout my hospital stay, and now Zoe's, we have repeatedly seen God's goodness proven. The love, support, and prayers coming from our church, family, and friends, helped me endure the 34 days on my back, and now my greatest comfort during the scary moments is the though that there are hundreds of people praying for us and Zoe daily!
A friend gave me a book titled "Is God Really in Control?" and another gave me a devotional titled "Jesus Calling". Many parts of these books drew my attention back to the facts in the Bible: God is all-wise (He knows what's best for us), He is infinitely kind (He wants what's best for us), and He is all-powerful (He is able to bring it about). Psalm 63 also rang true in my heart. Never until this spring have I thirsted for God as described in this psalm. And if God's love is truly better than life, then I really have nothing to worry about! David is wandering int he wilderness yet he says his soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich foods. He will praise God with joyful lips, sing for joy, as he rests in the shadow of God's wing. God has not changed, so I also can be satisfied and full of joy knowing that I am in His loving care. His love is "unfailing" and He is certain to take care of these "little" things since He has already taken care of our sinfulness, granting us salvation at a huge sacrifice to Himself.
So we will continue praying and looking with hope for the future. Thanks for praying with us.
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