Desperate for God

O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly; My soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Psalm 63:1
Last Friday night I was laying on my bed sobbing, feeling just what David writes here.  Rarely if ever have I felt such a desperation for the Lord.  But God used a certain little boy to pull me to His feet.  I was completely at a loss.  We were two hours long into a Micah Meltdown of epic proportions and nothing I did or said was working at all.  From bribing, to distraction, to cuddling, to reprimand... I finally told Jay I needed him home ASAP.  So when he walked in the door, Lydia was in her crib with toys, Micah in the kitchen with play dough, and Mommy sprawled out on her bed in front of her Bible in a puddle of tears, pleading for God to help.  There have been many things that keep showing me just how much I need a Savior and just how much I need the ever present help of the Holy Spirit.  This was the most intense.  And I also saw how black sin has made the world.  Poor Micah was committing sins at the speed of light, seemingly unable to halt his reckless craze, blind to the needs or desires of anyone else, and without a hope or rock to cling to.  I saw what could be, also.  As Micah grows up and gives himself wholly to Christ he will have a Rock to cling to when sin pulls at him.  He will have a faithful Helper, a sure Hope, strength and power to resist the devil, who will then flee from him; he will have eyes to see the needs of others, and the strength to put those needs above his own.  He will learn to joyfully count himself blessed to suffer trials, knowing that they are for his good and God's glory.  After the two hours, I was exhausted, and saw that I myself can do NOTHING for my son! Nothing to truly give him peace and joy and satisfaction.  All I can do is faithfully present God's truth to my son, and call upon God to make it come to fruition in Micah's heart.  Dear God, You heard my plea, and I know that it is in keeping with your own will that all would be saved and have true knowledge of You.  Please do rescue my son.  Bring the verses he has memorized to life in him, and use him mightily for your kingdom.  To you be all glory and honor and praise.   Amen

Oh, and a tip for you all.  I would recommend being careful about telling any young gals around you that they're going to be great moms. I cannot even count the number of times from my first babysitting years on that I was told I was going to be a great mom.  Over the past 3 years God has been knocking that block out from under my feet.  I am NOT a great mom, apart from the amazing continual work of God in me.  I think what made all those people say that about me was that I was a strict rule keeper and rule maker for all the kids I babysat.  I was not the "fun" babysitter, that was my sister Katie.  So the more accurate prediction would have been, "honey, you are going to have one great struggle with legalism and the thinking that consistent rules are all that matters.  Remember that our just God is also great in lovingkindness, that His mercy endures forever... that in His presence is fullness of joy, and in His right hand are pleasures forever.  Remember that Christ said, "Let the little children come to Me", and then He laid his hands on them and blessed them.  Make sure to give your children hope along with the holy standard God has called them to."  Ai-ai-ai, as my mom used to say.  Micah and Lydia are learning who God is through my character; am I modeling Christ for them?  What would a child think of God if they only had me to show Him to them?  (Thankfully they don't.  I have an amazing husband and family and a nurturing church body.)  I've got a lot to learn.  Instead of praising girls purely on their personalities, point them to how God uses whomever He wants. He very often chooses the weakest to work amazing things for Him, and that no person is anywhere close to being perfect for the job.  If we were, we wouldn't need Him, and He wouldn't be glorified.  I am very thankful that God chose me to be a mom.  There is nothing in the world that has made me believe this more fully: "What is impossible with men, is possible with God."  Luke 18:27

**update: since that weekend, Micah has had several "angel boy" days.  I love how God brings me to the edge, breaks me of my self-reliance and pride, and then graciously blesses me and shows me His merciful kindness.  Thank you, God.