New Years Resolutions

It's January 2nd, 2013 (or was when I began this post).  I never really do New Years Resolutions because I know I'll never make for 12 months!  But if I did they would be these.
I hereby resolve to:

1. Not try to have the kitchen clean before bed.
2. Not try to lose the remaining baby weight.
3. Not try to finish the laundry the day I start it.
4. Not try to exercise regularly.
5. etc.

I only have three kids.  I know many people who have more.  But somehow three has absolutely forced me to give up.  Things have had to slide with each new addition to our family, but with three it's turned into a general landslide.  I'm still clinging to a hope that I'll be exercising and seeing a clean living room (for more than 5 minutes anyway) before I turn 30.  For now, it's more of realizing which things I've been adamant about because it's what our family needs versus what Mom wants.  The kids couldn't care less about any of the things I've listed above.  Jay, while he does appreciate cleanliness, would much rather have a cheerful wife ready to spend time with him than see me accomplish the above list.  I've realized many of my to-do's are on my list because of either 1) need for sense of accomplishment and capability, 2) need to prove myself to...someone 3) or to escape from difficulties faced when living in such close proximity to other humans.  Even as I write this, I still really want to do all those things!  But at this stage, trying to do any of those on a regular basis means pushing someone else aside.  Just this morning I was begging the kids for "just 5 more minutes to FINISH this, please!"  I am a finisher, I can hardly stand to start something and not finish it sans interruption.  But the kids and the general feeling in the house starts turning sour faster than you can... clean the bathroom.

Instead of New Year's Resolutions, I think I'll turn to New Year's Prayers.
I pray that God will

1. Help me maintain the right priorities.  Love God wholeheartedly, and love my little neighbors and big neighbors as myself.  (Matt 22:38-39)
2. Grow me in patience, long-suffering, that I may have a gentle answer that turns away wrath (Prov 15:1)
3. Mold me into a mom who is "holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of [my children, husband's, neighbor's, friends'] faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all." (Ephe 2:17) ...especially the being poured out as a drink offering part.  I often feel "poured out" in the service of my children but then forget that "to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God... is your spiritual worship."    (Romans 12:1 ESV)

This past year has been a completely different year than the rest of my life.  Though it had some major trials, there were some abundant blessings, too.  Check the soon-coming post about all that if you haven't heard it already. (Oh, and NYR #5 is to Not try to write a blog post regularly - I'm already good at that one)

Happy New Year!

Today is July 24th, and we have now been home one month.  It's been a wonderful, rough, emotional up and down month.  We have been so blessed by our church and friends who have come alongside us with encouragement, prayer, and food (loved every single meal!).  I am so thankful for the women in our church who don't let me get away with "we're doing good" sort of answers.  I've needed them, and they have held me up.

Zoe is now 7 lbs, 10 ounces and 3 and 1/2 months old (corrected age: 3 weeks tomorrow).  We got newborn pictures taken today, which was quite fun.  She is smiling more and more every day.  I am realizing now the sacrificial love moms and dads give to developmentally and physically disabled kids who may never smile or hug or show appreciation.  After nearly four months of giving Zoe hours of care day and night, we are getting our first sign of recognition, interaction, appreciation... baby love.

I often think of how each of my kids is a miracle baby.  Micah and I could well have died during birth, if God had not caused us to live in an age and location to receive ultrasounds and a C-section.  Lydia's prognosis at 4 weeks gestation was "miscarriage." For the next 7 weeks we waited, but God kept His hand on us and she arrived full-term and healthy.  Zoe was declared "non-viable" at 22 weeks gestation.  For God's glory and out of His boundless love for us, He has brought Zoe through, also.  My kids are living reminders of God's love and His control over every situation. I've had to say good-bye to many of my dreams with each pregnancy, too.  Part of God's plan to get myself out of my own spotlight.  You probably wouldn't imagine it, but there was a minor grieving period over the loss of my 3rd trimester with Zoe.  Clothes I wanted to wear and didn't get too; missed pregnancy photo shoot; no sharing baby kicks with big brother and sister; no excitement as Due Date grew near; no packing of the hospital bag.  Not to mention the missing of getting to hold my baby seconds after birth, or minutes, or hours, or days.  (I did get to make up for most of the holding with all the hours in the NICU.)

As part of Samaritan Ministries, Int'l, we have been receiving dozens of letters and checks to pay for my hospital stay.  The notes have been very encouraging and humbling.  One member pointed me to her preemie's story.  Here it is: We Called her Truly  We received notes from several families who had preemies, or who were preemies themselves decades ago.  Once again, I was humbled at how much God had spared us, and how now the body of Christ from around the nation (and even Ecuador) was coming alongside of us to pray, write, and joyfully share our financial burden.

Short bursts of unrelated thoughts... I guess that part of the new-baby sleeplessness.  But that's all for now.

The whole creation groans...

Suffering... it's very easy to see around a hospital.  While holding Zoe, I hear a doctor tell a mom her newborn had a large stroke during birth.  A mom tells me her baby has an unknown sydrome and the doctors don't know how she is going to live.  A young boy passes pushing an IV stand with multiple bags hanging from it.  A couple walks by wiping their eyes.  The skywalks are thick with "in memory of" signs.  It's all so, so sad.  Walking across the skywalk I watch a motorcyclist drive off the road and do a complete cartwheel in the air before hitting the ground inches away from his large motorcycle. (no injuries, praise God!)  My own baby faces near death situations (or they would be if not for the nurses) every day.  I've never felt such a longing for Christ to come and make this world right again!  "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!  When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!"  So I am definitely looking forward to Christ's perfect kingdom.  But in the meantime, what do I think, or what do I say to those other NICU moms?  Sometimes I feel like I look too happy in the NICU.  Like other moms are going to think "her baby must be perfect, why is she here?"  I have always struggled with showing, and even feeling compassion or sympathy.  But God is using our experience with Zoe to change that. 

(That's from two months ago, but only now getting posted.  It was going to be a long post, but is part of the past now, so I'll just leave it at that.)

Zoe Christine Dirkse

How we picked Zoe's name:
With both Micah and Lydia we learned their gender at the 20 week ultrasound.  But with this third baby we had decided to let it be a surprise.  So we had no names picked out.  I was feeling so far from the due date I was hardly interested in finding a name.  But once we found out I was leaking amniotic fluid and might go into labor and deliver a "non-viable" baby... we changed our minds.  Ultrasound showed a healthy girl.  I spent hours looking through the baby names book, always burning out by letter G.  I started opening to random pages hoping something would jump out.  Then Jay suggested Zoe.  I was ambivalent until Jay explained that Zoe is a variation of the Greek word for "life" that Jesus uses when he says "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.” (John 11:25-26 ESV) (The same word is used in Jesus' statement: "I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father but through Me" in John 14:6)  We've been very encouraged by John 11 during our hospital days.  Out of love for His friends, Jesus allows suffering, feels compassion and sorrow on their behalf, and then gloriously declares and shows His authority over death by raising Lazarus. We do not know what God will do in our little Zoe's life, but we trust Him as Ruler of all: vs25  "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life ("zoe"). Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.'" Our daughter is in Christ's hands, the Lord of Life.
"zoe":  life real and genuine, a life active and vigorous, devoted to God, blessed, in the portion even in this world of those who put their trust in Christ, but after the resurrection to be consummated by new accessions (among them a more perfect body), and to last for ever.

We combined Zoe with Christine, my middle name, to emphasize that our hope for Zoe's physical and eternal life is grounded in Christ and His victory over sin, death, and Hell.  Nothing can touch our daughter but what is for God's glory and her good.

Zoe Christine, may God rescue you, protect you, and one day bring you to live forever with Him.  You are in good hands, dear daughter.

Testing our faith in God's goodness

It's April, and I haven't posted in ages.  I just felt I had nothing to post about.  Life with two toddlers and a well-employed husband is rather... routine.  Not boring, just like we were on cruise control.  Then came January.  On the 15th Jay's dad, Jerry had a massive stroke.  He died on the 18th, surrounded by his family.  Needless to say, this was incredibly difficult.  We loved Jerry so much, and really valued him as an integral part of our family.  When I think of the things my children will not remember, or will not get to experience with their Papa, my heart almost seizes up.  We did enjoy a wonderful memorial service, in which nearly one hundred former students sang their appreciation for Jerry in a mass choir.  Family members and friends shared stories, which all testified of Jerry's love for kids in need.  He pursued them and gave himself unceasingly to build them up and give them a hope.  He boldly proclaimed the gospel to many people and still showed his love for Jesus after his stroke by squeezing hands when His name was mentioned.  We are thankful that Jerry is with his Lord, and thankful for the merciful way in which God took him home, but we will miss him terribly.  During that week, God blessed us by letting me feel our baby's kicks for the first time.  Little did we know that our trials were just starting.
One March 3 I ended up in the hospital, being told our baby would very likely die.  I was 22 weeks pregnant and my water had broke. The hospital in Wenatchee did not have the facilities available to care for a micro-preemie, and the hospitals in Seattle and Spokane would not accept a transfer patient until 24 weeks, maybe even 25, because babies younger than that are not considered "viable".  The only hope was that I would not go in to labor and that I and the baby would stay free of infection.  I stayed in the hospital in Wenatchee for 4 days just waiting.  Then Dr. Pitts called Sacred Heart about transfering me.  In a miraculous break from regular procedures, the doctor was willing to admit me that very day (23 weeks)!  In a whirl of activity I was packed off in an ambulance to Pangborn, flown in a MedStar plane to Felts Field, then driven to Sacred Heart.  A Neonatalogist came and completely inundated me with statistics about premature babies.  Their lungs are not even close to being fully developed, their brains are at high risk of hemorrhaging, their GI tract can die, their retinas may detach... and on and on.  At 23 weeks, our baby (girl, we found out) had only 27% chance of surviving, and only a 9% chance of avoiding those major health issues.  But under God's all-powerful kindness, He sustained my pregnancy for 4 more weeks!  Hospital bedrest was the hardest thing I have endured.  Not that I minded lounging around reading books and knitting, but the constant high alert for symptoms of infection or labor was mentally and emotionally exhausting.
 I had two hours of monitoring each day.  Hearing the strong regular heart beats was a blessing each day.  As my pregnancy progressed and the statistics began to look more favorable the waiting got even harder.  If it had been in my hands there were times I would have gladly given birth.  But prayer and encouragement from Jay and the doctor's helped me to stay the course. Jay did a great job of balancing work, hospital, and home.  The kids and Jay moved in with my parents (and we're still here, for quite a while yet).  Jay would head home every few days to work in the office and check on the house.  These were the hardest times for me, and it was during one of these trips that I went into labor.  She was born 11 hours later at 1:05 pm, Good Friday, April 6th. She weighed only 2 pounds (900 grams) and was 14 inches long.
With my other kids I looked forward to labor, and especially to delivering my baby and seeing him for the first time.  But with baby Zoe, I dreaded labor, dreading delivery, dreaded seeing her and hearing whether she was going to live or not.  I dreaded the months in the NICU if she did live through birth.  There was no rush of joy when I saw her.  But God again granted our requests.  Zoe lived, and she even breathed and cried a weak kitten mew.  She was whisked off into the NICU, and I was left to regain feeling and rest before seeing her.  Because of her prematurity, my ruptured water, and group B Strep, I had several different bags dripping down into my IV during labor.  Penicillin made my arm burn, Magnesium gave me horrendous hot flashes and severe nausea.  Thankfully when the nurse saw that I was actually throwing up, she gave me some anti-nausea medicine and hurried up the epidural.  It was several hours after Zoe was born before I was well enough to be wheeled into the NICU.  I saw her in the incubator and just started crying.  She was so tiny, so red, and surrounded by wires and tubes, with a very long and rough road ahead of her.  As I right this, Zoe is a week old. She is off the ventilator and on CPAP.  She lost weight for a few days, getting down to 780 grams (1lb 12oz).  But the last few days she is holding steady or slightly gaining weight.  She has a PICC line (multi-purpose catheter) entering her foot and threaded up to her diaphragm area.
Thankfully, God gave us several days before scary things started to happen.  Because she is so young, she has frequent episodes of apnea.  She stops breathing, and turns blue as her heart rate plummets.  Various alarms start going off, and nurses rush in to save her life.  We watched a couple episodes yesterday, and the feeling of helplessness is just awful.  If it were not for the promise of God to love us unceasingly, to work all things for our good, and to give us mercy to bear each day's trials, I'm sure I would go insane.  But throughout my hospital stay, and now Zoe's, we have repeatedly seen God's goodness proven.  The love, support, and prayers coming from our church, family, and friends, helped me endure the 34 days on my back, and now my greatest comfort during the scary moments is the though that there are hundreds of people praying for us and Zoe daily!
A friend gave me a book titled "Is God Really in Control?" and another gave me a devotional titled "Jesus Calling".  Many parts of these books drew my attention back to the facts in the Bible: God is all-wise (He knows what's best for us), He is infinitely kind (He wants what's best for us), and He is all-powerful (He is able to bring it about).  Psalm 63 also rang true in my heart.  Never until this spring have I thirsted for God as described in this psalm.  And if God's love is truly better than life, then I really have nothing to worry about!  David is wandering int he wilderness yet he says his soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich foods.  He will praise God with joyful lips, sing for joy, as he rests in the shadow of God's wing.  God has not changed, so I also can be satisfied and full of joy knowing that I am in His loving care.  His love is "unfailing" and He is certain to take care of these "little" things since He has already taken care of our sinfulness, granting us salvation at a huge sacrifice to Himself. 
So we will continue praying and looking with hope for the future.  Thanks for praying with us.

Busy, busy, busy

I am always way overwhelmed by even the title: Once a Month Cooking. I decided I would not try that, but that I would try to do some bulk shopping and cooking. I've tried a few times and usually end up so tired after shopping that I don't do anything with what I bought so things to to waste and I spend more money. I decided to give it another shot. So this is not Once, or even twice a month cooking. Just a little head start for lots of meals. Here's what my last couple days looked like. I planned my meals on a calendar. There is no way I would make 30 or even 20 different meals in a month, so I start by marking down our favorites or our go-to meals.

Thursdays: Spaghetti
Tuesdays: Tacos/Burritos/Taco Salad
Mondays: Tilapia or Tuna meals
Sundays: any recipe made x4 for all Sundays of the month

Then I fill in the other days, taking into account events and traveling (Jay's going to be out of town for a week so I put PBJ, Quesadillas, Popcorn/apples/cheese, etc, down for that week)

I know that if I don't have brown rice or beans ready to go I just won't eat them and then we go way over the budget. So I started my cooking off with 10 c. of brown rice boiling, and 8 c. pintos, 6 c. kidney beans, and 6 c. black beans soaking. Yeah... if you have experience with dry beans you will know that I did WAY too many. I grew mountains of beans that night. Friday morning I didn't have time or place to cook them all, so half went straight from soaking into the freezer. The other half I cooked with some boullion, garlic, and pepper (no salt until after cooking). I had preschool music classes to teach in the morning, but was able to cook and strain my beans before class. After the classes I headed to Wenatchee with two sleep deprived toddlers. great.... I gave up and dropped Micah off with the iTouch and a large cup of unhealthy snacks at Jays' office where he watched movies for about 3 hours while Lydia and I shopped. Besides unpacking all the groceries, I didn't have much time for more that afternoon. But I had bought a new pizza pan, so I made pizza, doubling my sauce batch and freezing enough for 5 pizzas. Then I ditched the two still sleep deprived toddlers on Jay and enjoyed a rare Mom's Night In with friends until 2 am.

This morning came WAY too soon, but despite only 4 1/2 hrs of sleep I was raring to go. First, write out goals and post on wall. Check. (add two for already completed tasks, and I'm off to a great start!)
Next, speed thaw (I know, but at 2 am I was not going out to the freezer) chicken thighs and breasts. Chop and cook. Breasts cool and then go to freezer for BBQ Chicken pizza. Thighs sit aside while I make up some curry sauce: http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2008/06/chicken-curry-over-rice.html
Once the curry's done, I brown 3 lbs. of hamburger for tacos. I was going to mix it with Quinoa but forgot that until just now. Oh well. While the curry and hamburger is cooling, I grate a bar of Fels Naptha and make up two gallons of Detergent (1 bar FN soap melted in 6 c. water, add 1/2 c. borax, 1/2 c. washing soda and bring to 2 gal with water). Thankful for Jay keeping Micah with him while he fixed the fence outside. Then a neighbor girl took Micah to play for half an hour. Cleaned up soap mess and made a pizza dough for 3 lg pizzas. Cleaned that up and it was 1:10pm. Kitchen cleaned, table crowned with lots of ready to freeze food, and one tired momma ready for a nap. But boy does it ever feel good!Some of the work. A bunch was already in the freezer:

Total:
2 gallons detergent
2 gal bags of Kidney beans cooked
1 gal bag of Kidney beans soaked
2 gal bags of Pintos cooked
1 gal bag of Pintos soaked
1.5 gal bags of Black beans cooked
I can't remember if I have soaked black beans and I'm too tired to go look.
3 9x13's of brown rice
4 large mason/applesauce jars of Chicken and Curry sauce
3 balls of pizza dough
5 pizza's worth or pizza sauce
3 lbs of browned ground beef
8 c. of "broth" from the pinto beans. It smelled good so I kept it. When I have time I'll research to see if it was really worth keeping.


How was I able to do so much?! I.don't.know. God's work, for sure. I've never been a night owl, and have not felt up to this much planning, shopping, and cooking since before kids, I think! Much fun, and now time for bed.

Adoption talk at MOPS

When I heard that we were looking for gals to share their testimonies, I thought of volunteering, then decided I was much too busy and shouldn’t.  But the thought kept coming up so on Monday I finally asked Heidi if we were looking for one more person to share.  I was hoping she would say we didn’t have any time left.  But she said there was plenty of time, so here I am.  Instead of a life story, I just want to share with you a few things I have learned recently.  They all have to do with adoption because that’s been on my mind a ton since Christmas because I know of about 4 or 5 families who are all at critical places on that road.  But what I’m going to share is about my adoption.  I am my parents’ biological daughter, but more important than that is that I have been adopted by God into His family.  I was wandering away from Him, lost, and stuck in sin. I was young when I accepted Christ, but if I had been old enough to realize it, I was without hope, no way to win my way into God’s presence and love, and He reached down and brought me into His family of perfect eternal joy.  So here are some things I’ve learned about what I’m going to call Vertical adoption (our adoption into God’s family) and Horizontal adoption (fathers and mothers adopting needy children into their families). These come from a book called “Adopted for Life” by Russell Moore and from sermons by John Piper, and a bit from my own reading of Romans recently.

1. God loves adoption, in fact He created it.  In the beginning of Genesis we learn that God created man to be in a special close perfect relationship with Him.  When Adam and Eve believed the lies of Satan rather than obeying God, that relationship was shattered forever.  But, this was no surprise to God.  He did think, “Darn it! They screwed up my perfect plan, so now I’ve gotta come up with something else. I know! I’ll pay the price and adopt them back in.”  No, Eph 1:5  says He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will.  Adoption was God’s original plan, His kind plan.  He knew we would sin, and need a Savior, and need to be rescued, and He planned to do all that before time began. Verse 4 says he chose us, “before the foundation of the world.”  Many people have adoption as Plan B.  They discover they can’t have biological children, so they choose to adopt.  I am glad they do, adoption is good and right.  But what has been amazing to me is that adoption is Plan A in the story of the world.  It’s not second rate, or less admirable, or less natural.  Adoption both vertical and horizontal is precious, natural, and God-glorifying because it’s what God does.

2. Having been adopted, I am really God’s child. 

It’s pretty common to hear and talk about how Jesus saved us from Hell.  But that’s only a very itty bitty part of it.  I’m no homeless gal He gave $10 bucks to before driving away.  I’m not even some criminal who He took the punishment for.  If he had just done that, I would feel afraid that he would eventually want His $10 back or that I needed to make it up to Him and if I couldn’t I’d be toast.  But Romans 8:15 says, “You have not received a spirit of slavery, leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba, Father!” God chose me and adopted me! God forgave me for my sins, saved me, loves me, is cleaning me up by teaching me and disciplining me, and He unashamedly calls me His child. When I sin, He doesn’t distance Himself from me by saying, “oh well, she’s adopted.” He knew before I was created that I will continually do the very things He hates, but He chose me anyway and He loves me regardless of how good of a child I am.

You might have noticed that Ephesians 1:5 makes a point of saying adopted “as sons.”  This is very cool.  In the time the New Testament was being written, sons had special rights, a special status, and special responsibilities, as well as the promise of the inheritance from the father.  For God to say that we have been adopted as sons, means He adopted us and, regardless of gender, gives us the all those special rights, responsibilities and status.  I don’t have to wonder about who I am.  The Bible tells me my identity is: child of God (Jhn 1:12), heir of heaven (Rom 8:17); my life’s work is to do everything to His glory (1Cr 10:31), Christ is my brother (Mat 12:50), God is my Father (Romans 8:15), all of you who have believed in Christ as your Savior are my sisters, fellow heirs of God (Eph 3:6). 

One more thing about being a real child of God:  Russel Moore in Adopted for Life tells of the reaction his two toddler boys had on leaving the orphanage for the first and final time in their lives.  They cried in panic and reached back toward the dirty doors.  It was the only home they had ever known.  They totally didn't understand that their new home was a much better place! Where they could play in the sun, eat healthy food, have affectionate and loving parents, and so much more! That totally describes me.  I love so many things in my world.  My "home" has tea lattes, and people who think highly of me (I think), we've got enough money to be comfortable, though I have a list of things I’d like to do with just a little more cash.  I love my stuff, my space, and my ME-time so much I get annoyed when people mess up with it.  What a crazy thing!  I've got all heaven that is MINE!  That is my home, I have streets of gold, and jeweled cities, I’ll be perfectly satisfied, and have a huge crowd of brothers and sisters with whom I'll get to party for God's glory for ever and ever!  No one will ever interrupt me from getting to do what I’ll want to do most.  My oldest Brother Jesus, the one who died to save me, is there! I am so excited and humbled at how God has rescued me and He loves me, even when I'm bad, with a true Father's love!  And Ephesians 3:6 says that is your home, too, if you believe in Christ and call God your Father.

3.  These are the things that have made me super excited recently, and super thankful to my Daddy for adopting me.  Now, I just want to encourage you to spend some time thinking about adoption.  As you read your Bibles, notice how that topic is everywhere!  And then pray about how God might use you to continue showing the world what God has done for us.  Participating in Horizontal adoption is a way of imitating our God and of proclaiming the glory of the gospel to ourselves, our families, our communities, and the world.  In James chapter 1 James writes, Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.  Now neither Russell Moore’s book, nor any of the sources of my points says that every must adopt.  They clearly say, and I agree, that not everyone is called to adopt. But everyone is called to love and care for others, whether neighbor (Gal 5:14) or enemy (Luk 6:35), and orphans and widows definitely fall in between those.  Here are some ideas of ways we can all be involved:

1) Learn about our own adoption.  If you aren’t adopted into God’s family yet, then that is what you need to do first.  John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 1:12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.

2)  Pray about how God would have you display His same affection and compassion toward orphans.  It might be praying for orphans, or support adoption Funds that help adoptive families to deal with the high cost, or sponsoring orphans in their native countries, or helping friends through the adoption process, or minister to pregnant moms or teens.  It might be by adopting.  If so, we have a perfect example in our Heavenly Father of how we are to love these little guys in exactly the same way we do or should our biological children.  All of these ways will help us to speak and live out the good news of the gospel to a world that desperately needs to hear it.

In Conclusion here’s how my view of adoption has changed.  Before learning these things I thought of adoption as this: a beautiful but unfortunately infertile couple pays a few thousand $$, then fly across the world to scoop up a smiling chubby Chinese baby girl, and they live happily ever after.  That’s a beautiful picture, though I think we all know it’s woefully inaccurate.  Here is a picture that is better and true:

God, perfect and holy, lacking nothing, chose to display His glory by loving an ugly, stubborn, lie-believing, self-absorbed girl with huge “special needs” enough to send His perfectly obedient, only Son, to pay the adoption price to rescue her, that is, me.  The price was death.  Now I am legally His, but am living on Earth until He comes to bring me to my real home, one with streets paved with gold, where there will never be any tears, any hurt, any sadness or anger.  And not only this, but while I am still living on earth, He is with me, teaching me how to be His child now, protecting me from evil.  That is adoption in the purest sense, and horizontal adoption ought to reflect that.

Eph 2:4-5  “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),”

Changing Tides

A couple weekends ago Jay and I got to take a "business"/date trip to Whidbey Island.  While Jay was scuba diving, I got to sit, think, read, and write.  By Bible reading plan had me reading Deuteronomy 10.  One passage really caught my eye, so I wrote it out and read it over and over.  Here it is:

"And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good? Behold, to the LORD your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it. Yet the LORD set his heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of our heart, and be no longer stubborn. For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. You shall fear the LORD your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swear. He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that your eyes have seen"

This is my God.  When I read this, how could I ever be ashamed of my God?!  He owns the world and everything in it, and everything everywhere!  He loves those who are infinitely unworthy of His love.  He loves the unfortunate and the outcasts.  He takes care of even the details, like food and clothing.  And so what should we do?  Fear Him, love Him, depend upon and imitate Him.

Micah's Birthday

Micah you are a joy.  I love that you are big enough now to stir the soup (actually today it was detergent) for me, push the blender buttons, and read words like "FOX" "STOP" and "NAP." I'm sorry my "FOX" in the "BOX" picture turned out looking like a duck.  At three years old, you are now listening to me read books like "Green Eggs and Ham," "Theodore," "If Jesus Came to My House," and other great books.

Last week you told Lydia, "You're my favorite girl, arn'chya!"  I loved that!  And you cried last night when we had to move Lydia to sleep in the basement.  I'm so glad you like being with your sister, even when her crying is keeping you awake.

God has blessed you with a wonderful little voice, Sunny Boy.  And since you listened to "Let the Earth Resound" (Getty) about 10 times yesterday, I think you like to listen as much as you like to sing.  When you are very excited about singing a song, you belt it out, stopping now and then to lick and smack your lips (lol, very cute!)  Right now your favorite tune (maybe besides "Let the Earth Resound,") is what you call the "Do-do" song. "Do to others, do to others, what you would have them do to you...."  Hopefully that title won't stick, but the words of verse will!

Daddy and I pray for you over the phone during your nap, that God would draw you to Himself.  He is where you will find joy.  You remember how crazy it would be for Daddy's hammer to decide it wanted to be a saw, right?  Well, for you to be a tool that works just the way it is meant to (the best way), then you need to work the way God made you to work, and not try to do things your own way.  It's been exciting to hear you say "Jesus is the Light of the world," or "I need Jesus" over the past few days.  Yesterday you told your crying friend, "Remember the song, Tom!  "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me."  Way to go, son.  God is helping you to believe!  May He continue working and teaching you to believe the truth.


Dear God, thank you for giving me Micah.  Thank you for all the things you are helping him to learn.  Show him Your holiness and love through Jay and me, especially when we have to come humbly to him and to You for forgiveness in falling short of Your glory.  Please draw him to You, and use him to advance your kingdom here on earth.  Take him wherever he can most effectively serve You in the world.  -Amen

Sayin's and doin's

Micah to Lydia over breakfast: "Lydia, you're my favorite girl, arn't chya!"

Lydia says "goo' girl" every time I praise her for something.
She also loves loves loves to say "HI!" when anyone walks in the door.
One day I found her pulling things out of the bathroom drawer.  I told her "no, no" and she hastily but them back saying, "De Ooo (there we go)"  It was so cute and funny!
Lydia currently calls Micah "Boppa!"  A little early to be referring to him as a grandpa, don't you think Lyddie?

Micah and Jay sang me happy birthday tonight.  Micah was belting it out and smiling ear to ear.  That's the most I've ever enjoyed having happy birthday sung to me.

Micah saw a truck go by as we were driving and started excitedly screaming "There's an in-face! Mom, there's an in-face truck!"  Apparently he named trucks that have no "nose" (i.e. a straight front side) are "in-face trucks."  Or is that the common name for them?  New to me.

Desperate for God

O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly; My soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Psalm 63:1
Last Friday night I was laying on my bed sobbing, feeling just what David writes here.  Rarely if ever have I felt such a desperation for the Lord.  But God used a certain little boy to pull me to His feet.  I was completely at a loss.  We were two hours long into a Micah Meltdown of epic proportions and nothing I did or said was working at all.  From bribing, to distraction, to cuddling, to reprimand... I finally told Jay I needed him home ASAP.  So when he walked in the door, Lydia was in her crib with toys, Micah in the kitchen with play dough, and Mommy sprawled out on her bed in front of her Bible in a puddle of tears, pleading for God to help.  There have been many things that keep showing me just how much I need a Savior and just how much I need the ever present help of the Holy Spirit.  This was the most intense.  And I also saw how black sin has made the world.  Poor Micah was committing sins at the speed of light, seemingly unable to halt his reckless craze, blind to the needs or desires of anyone else, and without a hope or rock to cling to.  I saw what could be, also.  As Micah grows up and gives himself wholly to Christ he will have a Rock to cling to when sin pulls at him.  He will have a faithful Helper, a sure Hope, strength and power to resist the devil, who will then flee from him; he will have eyes to see the needs of others, and the strength to put those needs above his own.  He will learn to joyfully count himself blessed to suffer trials, knowing that they are for his good and God's glory.  After the two hours, I was exhausted, and saw that I myself can do NOTHING for my son! Nothing to truly give him peace and joy and satisfaction.  All I can do is faithfully present God's truth to my son, and call upon God to make it come to fruition in Micah's heart.  Dear God, You heard my plea, and I know that it is in keeping with your own will that all would be saved and have true knowledge of You.  Please do rescue my son.  Bring the verses he has memorized to life in him, and use him mightily for your kingdom.  To you be all glory and honor and praise.   Amen

Oh, and a tip for you all.  I would recommend being careful about telling any young gals around you that they're going to be great moms. I cannot even count the number of times from my first babysitting years on that I was told I was going to be a great mom.  Over the past 3 years God has been knocking that block out from under my feet.  I am NOT a great mom, apart from the amazing continual work of God in me.  I think what made all those people say that about me was that I was a strict rule keeper and rule maker for all the kids I babysat.  I was not the "fun" babysitter, that was my sister Katie.  So the more accurate prediction would have been, "honey, you are going to have one great struggle with legalism and the thinking that consistent rules are all that matters.  Remember that our just God is also great in lovingkindness, that His mercy endures forever... that in His presence is fullness of joy, and in His right hand are pleasures forever.  Remember that Christ said, "Let the little children come to Me", and then He laid his hands on them and blessed them.  Make sure to give your children hope along with the holy standard God has called them to."  Ai-ai-ai, as my mom used to say.  Micah and Lydia are learning who God is through my character; am I modeling Christ for them?  What would a child think of God if they only had me to show Him to them?  (Thankfully they don't.  I have an amazing husband and family and a nurturing church body.)  I've got a lot to learn.  Instead of praising girls purely on their personalities, point them to how God uses whomever He wants. He very often chooses the weakest to work amazing things for Him, and that no person is anywhere close to being perfect for the job.  If we were, we wouldn't need Him, and He wouldn't be glorified.  I am very thankful that God chose me to be a mom.  There is nothing in the world that has made me believe this more fully: "What is impossible with men, is possible with God."  Luke 18:27

**update: since that weekend, Micah has had several "angel boy" days.  I love how God brings me to the edge, breaks me of my self-reliance and pride, and then graciously blesses me and shows me His merciful kindness.  Thank you, God.

Lydia turned One year old!

... almost a month ago.  But we've been sick, then sick, then sick, etc for most of that month, so here is her birthday post.

Dear Lydia,

You came into our world one year and one month ago.  I remember worrying that I wouldn't be able to spend as much good time with you as I had with Micah, and that we wouldn't be as close, therefore.  But God is so good!  You are a cuddler, and a Mommy's girl.  I love to wrap you in my arms with your special blankie and feel you lean into me and suck your thumb.  A few times now you have been inconsolable even with your wonderful daddy, then I pick you up and you quiet right down (and Daddy says, "Now how come I couldn't do that?").  It's just God's way of showering a mommy with love, through a baby girl.

At 12 months old, you have only your two bottom teeth, enough hair for a small "fountain" pigtail and to make curls all around the back, and stunning blue eyes.  You are almost running now, and babble a lot (though you have very few understandable words).  You love taking baths, and can hardly stand waiting for me to take your clothes off or fill up the tub.  You no longer let Micah hold you, but like to play peek-a-boo with him around the couches and corners.

After a 5 or 6 month "hiding" period, that strong "fighter" spirit we saw in you before you could even sit up is back.  Use what God has given you for Him, and it will be a beautiful thing. Dear daughter, God formed your inward parts; He wove you in my womb. Give thanks to Him for you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are His works, and my soul knows it very well. (from Psalm 139) We pray for you and Micah, that God will use you mightily for His glory and kingdom, knowing that only then will you be truly happy.

Happy Birthday, Lyddie-Belle!
Love, your Mommy

An old Saw Horse

There's an image I have in my head from the years of helping my dad in his cabinetry shop.  In the spray room, we would work on the cabinets, buffing, staining, wiping with tack clothes, painting, whatever needed to be done to help transform raw wood into stunningly beautiful custom designed cabinets. Dad would have everything up on saw horses. Those saw horses had layer after layer of paints, many colors of stains, and glue.  They were bumpy, uneven, and I had no idea what they had originally looked like.  But they were great tools, and we put them to continual use. 
I am an old saw horse.  Or maybe a young saw horse on my the way to being an old well used saw horse.  My mom gave me a book for Christmas called "Loving the Little Years: Mothering in the Trenches."  In one chapter author Rachel Jankovic writes about our bodies being tools, not treasures.  That hit home. I want to look pretty, have hands that are not cracked and nails that are manicured, wear stylish clothes, and not have a belly that sags when I ignore it.  I want to have time to put make-up on and style my hair.  Jankovic put my thoughts to words when she wrote about mothers resenting the sacrifices children require, or take offense at the things they do to our bodies by their mere existence.  But I am not a treasure, I am a tool!  God did not create me to put myself up on a shelf and stay a beautiful 18 year old forever.  I am to be used. "Mothering uses your body in the way that God designed it to be used.  Those are the right kind of damages... any wear and tear that [your body] shows is simply the sign of a well-used tool." (p. 58-59)  In mothering out bodies are "undone of the behalf of another."  What a way to live out Christ to ourselves and those around us!  Christ was undone infinitely more than we ever could be, so that we might live.  I will choose to put Christ in front of my eyes when I see my stretch marks, the bags under my eyes, my fingers raisined up from loads of dishes.

It would have looked absolutely crazy to see my dad bent over an old saw horse, chipping off the paint, sanding it smooth, painting it a pretty color, then hanging it on the wall.  He always took good care of his tools, but for the purpose of keeping them usable, not showing them off. I want to be a rough well used saw horse, totally worn out by the time I die, with a legacy of having been used for the production of many beautiful "cabinets," and with them prove the amazing skill and vision of the Master Cabinet Maker.

Belated Thank you to our friends

Jay and I decided we'd like to pour concrete on our 43 ft driveway... ourselves (or rather, himself with an analyst/advisor)... as if we knew about pouring concrete.  Let's just say, our friends saved us.  Especially Matt Steinhauer.  While I was away at a girls' weekend, a group of guys got together and poured out concrete!  We couldn't have done it without them... really, couldn't.  It started to rain shortly after the concrete was spread and Matt's skills and the ingenuity of my husband and Matt Turnbull and Victoria saved our bacon!  Here's pictures of the concrete and our amazing blue carport.  I wish I had taken picture of the inside of my house.  Twine was fit through the windows and tied to doorknobs, coat hooks, my utensil drawer, I think even to Yo-yo, Micah's toy horse.  And thanks to Jodi McDevitt for watching Micah almost all day, though a few dozen toddler footprints in the concrete might have added quite a touch.  Jay says it's probably better that I was away, too... I guess it was rather stressful when the rain started coming. When I came home, Jay and Micah were sitting in the living room reading a book.  Thanks friends!

These kids are growing up in fast forward mode!

"Wow, this is the best potatoes I ever aten!  I can't believe it..."
"exhAUsting" (Thank you Lily Keziah) - always totally out of context.
"I need a friend! I will be lonely" - our son is very social in small groups, and strangely a loner in large groups.  He can hardly stand to be in a different room from Lydia.  I think if he had his way, he'd have her 5 feet away from him all the time, no further, no closer.  With her walking now, he's having a hard time adjusting to the fact that she can come and go as she pleases.  He's had several meltdowns when they are playing in their room and she walks out.  I thought he was hurt from the sound of his screaming.  I come around the corner and Lydia's there with a smile and "hi!," oblivious to the fact that she has about made Micah's world come crashing to a halt.

Micah's facial expressions are so entertaining.  I wish I had a good camera and the skills to use it.  It amazes me at how much a 2.75 yr old knows about using the right facial expressions.

Micah quotes

(Micah, look at that house!)  "It' so BEAUteeful"
"Good job, Mom, I'm so proud of you!"
(Hugs Dad, then) "You could give Lyddie a hug.  That'd be ok." (He has learned that it is selfish to want Daddy all to himself, so now he shows his changed attitude by "allowing" Jay to hug Lydia too)

Micah is growing up so fast.  You know that video of him helping Jay recite Psalm 19?  That was a whole year ago!  Wowzers!  Micah is beginning to like make-believe.  Only instead of being a prince/cowboy/etc, he's a backhoe.  At the table he tried to be a backhoe and was getting pretty messing scooping food with his "bucket," so Jay told him to use his fork(lift).  Micah promptly responded that forklifts have two bars, (therefore his fork was not one).  Didn't you know that, Dad?  If he's not a backhoe his arms are the "ding-ding bars" guarding the train tracks at a railroad crossing. 
Micah loves to see Lydia learn things.  She just started clapping today and Micah was grinning ear to ear.  He loves to play peak-a-boo with her and to have me chase him across the room with her.  His most popular phrase right now is, "I need a friend!"  He just loves company!  He does play by himself, but is much happier with me or Lydia with him (so long as she leaves his stuff alone, which is getting rare).  He still tries to hold her, but at 9.5 months, she's not so into it anymore.

We're heading to the Pear Bowl tonight (bowl right? I always get cups and bowls mixed up.... a football games anyway).  What to wear?  Jay's a Cascade Kodiak, but his nephew is playing for rival Cashmere Bulldogs.  I wish I had a striped orange and red shirt, that'd be cool.  We'll see if we can keep the kids warm enough to stay the whole game.

My last couple days: Exploring

So I've been in the middle of a battle about food and $$ spent on food.  Do I go organic, all-natural, homemade?  Do I try Once a Month Cooking to save money?  Do I save time buy shopping at only a couple stores?  Do I coupon shop at a dozen stores?  Do I support only local businesses?  Do I only buy what's on sale (almost) regardless of quality?  AH!  Why does it have to be so hard?  But thankfully I have a science-minded, research-oriented husband to help me out.  So, I won't say exactly what we've decided, because I always seem to unintentionally discourage someone (or myself) when this food/health topic is brought up.  Let's just suffice it to way, I decided to give homemade laundry detergent a try (it's approximately $0.01 per load). And I did bulk cooking (definitely not OAMC, but maybe 12 meals (only 2 different menus, though)).  Here's what it looks like:

 

1 c. grated Fels Naptha soap

1/2 c. Super Washing Soda

1/2 c. Borax

Combine.  (Easy enough.  Having only used it in 1 load, I can only say it's no miracle mixture. Spaghetti and mystery stains remain.  Now I'll pretreat them and wash again.)

Here's the liguid gel version:

1/3 bar Fels Naptha

1/2 c. Super Washing Soda

1/2 c.  Borax

lots of water (I think about 2+ gallons)

Heat 6 cups of water.  Melt the soap in it, add Soda and Borax and stir until dissolved.  Pour 4 c. hot water in a bucket then add the soap mixture.  Stir.  Add a gallon plus 6 c more water.  Let set up 24 hours.  It's liquid with gel globs in it.   Mine's not totally set up yet, but I've got a load of it in the wash now.  Will see how this does.

 I got half way through the recipe when I realized I had meant to half it, but had forgot to.  And I'm definitely a novice.  I tried to save energy by just pouring from that big bucket into those jugs with the funnel... on our wood floor.  And had to use all those towels to mop up. (decided to set up the jugs in the sink and heave up the bucket after the big spill).

 Guess my floor needed mopping.  Yuck.  Actually, on closer inspection, I discovered the detergent had taken off the finish of about a 2 ft sq. spot in the middle of the kitchen.... well, Praise the Lord for old, splintered, creaky, worn down floors, I guess!  This spot doesn't stand out at all from the rest of the house.  So if you're needing to get that old finish off your floors, here's the recipe!  Doesn't even take any elbow grease!

 My freezer.  Of course, again like a novice, I forgot to write down what I had in there.  So now I get to unload it all, make a list of what have, and load it up again.  Thankfully, it's not that big.  But from my recent adventures I have 5 meals plus leftovers of spaghetti sauce, 1 Mexican casserole, 3 cups of taco meat, 3 c of browned hamburger, and 3 meals plus leftovers of Minestrone.

That ice cream is calling my name! AH!

A lot of things happened during all this work that could probably have frustrated me.  But as a wise experienced friend just told me recently (before all this), there just so much exploring for a young wife and mom.  Lots of mediocre meals, sunken loaves of bread, grocery shopping gone awry.  I guess she's right.  Columbus had no intention of landing in the Bahama Islands, and I had no intention of discovering finish remover.  Yet, all in all, it felt quite satisfying to get all this done.

By the way, spaghetti stains remain.  And it's one of my favorite shirts!  Why was I making spaghetti sauce with it on?   Well, I have a few more things to try.

**Lol, Micah and Lydia woke up part way through my post and have been playing in the living room.  Micah just called to me to say, "We're having a good time.  We're having Micah and Lydia time!" (That means, "Don't come in yet, Mom.").  LOVE it!**

Growing up...

Micah has been learning some new hymns and this one is his current favorite.  It's one of the hymns I learned as a little girl, and have always loved the encouragement I get by the powerful, factual, and Christ-exalting words.

He usually sings in tune, but I started it too low for him, so he's a bit off.  It is one of my favorite things to hear him running around the house singing this at the top of his lungs.


Lydia's... mode of self-transportation:  What would you call this?